


Baekdrey - The Messy Adventure

by Akaashi



Series: Yert Adventures [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-27 07:03:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7608430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akaashi/pseuds/Akaashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Audrey and her friend get the chance to visit EXO's dorm.</p><p>This can only end well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kongniverse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kongniverse/gifts).



> I wrote this for my dear friend Audrey, my fave Baekhyun stan. Thank you for always putting up with my bullshit. I love you.  
> *This is an AU where we both live in the same country and plane tickets dont make any sense pls bear with me

„Anyways, look at what I found!“ Audrey’s friend exclaims with suspicious enthusiasm and shows her two tickets.

“What’s that?” She asks, not sure that the pieces of paper are anything good.

“Entrance tickets for EXO’s dorm. You finally get to meet Baekhyun!”

Audrey still isn’t convinced. “Tickets like that exist? Did you obtain these illegally?”

“Well, the guy who sold them to me said they were legit…” Her friend declares, a lot less energetic all of a sudden.

She buries her face in her hands. “Dumbass, you’ve been scammed.”

“No way! They cost 1000 bucks each! They have to be real!” The dumbass shrieks, and people in the café turn around to look at the duo judgementally.

 “You spent 2000 bucks?!” Audrey yells, but she quickly reclaims her cool when she notices the other customer’s glares. “Well, I suppose we could ask SM themselves if they offer such a… service.”

“I want Junmyeon’s service if you know what I mean.” Her friend grins stupidly.

“Shut up. I’ll send them an e-mail and see what’s up.”

 

Audrey starts up her computer the first thing she gets home. While looking through the official SM website, she wonders why she’s doing this for her friend and swears under her breath. But she will admit that it’d be pretty cool if it was real.

> “Good evening,  
>  My friend bought some EXO dorm tickets online and I was wondering if they’re real. Y/N?”

She shakes her head. ‘You’re more professional than this, Audrey. You’re an independent rising lawyer.’ She decides it would be better to be as vague as possible to not raise any suspicion.

> “Good evening,  
>  I wanted to inquire if your company sells entrance tickets for your artists’ dorms, specifically EXO.  
>  Thank you”

Right after sending the e-mail, she receives a text message from her friend.

[16:17] dumb #2: did u get a response yet

She sighs.

[16:18] Audrey: no, but I just sent them the question  
[16:18] Audrey: they’re a big company, so don’t expect a fast reply  
[16:19] dumb #2: thanks, i owe you one  
[16:19] dumb #2: and well, i can wait  
[16:20] dumb #2: 420 ayyyyyyyyyyy  
[16:20] Audrey: Shut up  
[16:20] Audrey: no problem

 

Audrey had just finished her beauty routine (gotta stay a top visual and all that) when she sees an e-mail from SM entertainment in her inbox. That was fast.

> “Good evening,  
>  Unfortunately, these tickets aren’t sold.”

‘I knew it.’ She mutters, but she continues reading anyways.

> “However, we held a contest recently, in which two lucky winners (or Lucky Ones, as EXO-L's like to say, haha) could obtain such tickets. We are planning to hold a similar event with Red Velvet soon, so you can look forward to that.  
>  Thank you for your question,  
>  S.M. Entertainment”

It takes her a few seconds before Audrey is able to blink again. ‘No fucking way…’ She tries to contain her excitement and quickly grabs her phone to text her friend.

[19:44] Audrey: DUMBASS  
[19:44] Audrey: LISTEN  
[19:44] dumb #2: what is up my guy  
[19:44] Audrey: SM ANSWERED ME  
[19:45] Audrey: THEYRE REAL  
[19:45] Audrey: WE CAN VISIT EXOS DORM  
[19:46] Audrey: ANSWER ME DON’T IGNORE ME  
[19:46] dumb #2: Ohhh my god. Ohhh ,y god. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh THERE IT IS THERE IT IS. THERE IT IS. OH MY GOD. EAYEAYEYAYEAHEYAHEY EYAEAAAAAAA YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YEAAAAAS.  
[19:46] dumb #2: I WAS COPYING THE MEME ASSHOLE  
[19:46] Audrey: god  
[19:47] dumb #2: but yea when are we going  
[19:47] Audrey: well wed have to book the soonest flight to South Korea  
[19:47] dumb #2: wAIT HOLY FUCK  
[19:47] Audrey: but its gonna be expensive  
[19:47] Audrey: WHAT  
[19:48] dumb #2: DUDE PLANE TICKETS ARE INCLUDED IN THIS SHIT  
[19:48] dumb #2: THEYRE PAYING FOR EVERYTHING  
[19:48] Audrey: WHAT THE FUCK  
[19:49] Audrey: wait how do you know this  
[19:49] dumb #2: it says it on the tickets  
[19:50] dumb #2: 29.07.2016, gate number and all that jazz  
[19:50] Audrey: BITXH THAT’S TOMORROW  
[19:50] dumb #2: WTF TH EFUKC  
[19:51] dumb #2: WELL FUCK ME IN THE ASSHOLE AND CALL ME MARGARETH  
[19:51] Audrey: disgusting  
[19:51] dumb #2: DONT WASTE TIME ON JUDGING ME  
[19:51] dumb #2: PACK YOUR SHIT WE HAVE TO BE AT THE AIRPORT AT 6 AM  
[19:52] Audrey: FUCK

Audrey throws her most important stuff (or as her friend would say – shit) in a suitcase and hopes it’s enough for however long they were going to stay in South Korea. Then again, she could always buy new stuff there, so it’s not like she’d have to walk around naked. It’s half past nine when she’s finished and she drops on her bed, exhausted. If this was a regular story, she would’ve fallen asleep and nearly missed the flight, resulting in both suspense and comedy, but we all know Audrey doesn’t sleep more than 5 hours, so thankfully that doesn’t happen.

She gets ready at 5 in the morning and arrives at the airport on time. Not surprised by the fact that she’s the more responsible one of the two and arrived there first, she sends her friend a message.

[5:55] Audrey: where are you  
[5:56] dumb #2: ill be there in 4 mins  
[5:56] Audrey: really now  
[5:56] Audrey: you should always arrive a bit earlier  
[5:56] dumb #2: NO BECAUSE THE PERSON WHOS EXPECTING YOU MIGHT NOT BE READY YET  
[5:56] Audrey: YOURE VISITING AN AIRPORT NOT A PERSON  
[5:57] dumb #2: listen i got emo over junmyeon and missed my bus  
[5:57] Audrey: how are those two things related  
[5:57] Audrey: and whyd you get emo  
[5:57] dumb #2: iw as thinking about how i was gonn ameet him and his cute smile  
[5:57] Audrey: god  
[5:58] dumb #2: an diwas so lost in thought that i didnt see the bus in front of me  
[5:58] Audrey: youre so  
[5:58] dumb #2: lucky to live in the same time as junmyeon? yes  
[5:59] Audrey: just get here quack  
[5:59] dumb #2: QUACK  
[5:59] Audrey: shut up  
[5:59] dumb #2: QUACK  
[6:00] dumb #2: QUACK  
[6:00] dumb #2: ok (hacker voice) im in  
[6:01] dumb #2: AYYYY I SEE U OK BYE

“Alright, where do we have to go?” Audrey asks, slightly unsettled by the fact that she has to rely on her (basically still a baby) friend for information.

“I’ll lead the way.”

 

“SM is a huge company, why couldn’t they afford giving us first class seats?” The young lawyer grumbles as she sits on her crappy economy chair and notices an actual baby (not her friend) is right in the row behind them. She decides not to inform her travelling partner about it, as he is allergic to babies (figuratively, of course).

“Listen, I’m surprised the flight was included at all. I mean, I only paid 1000 bucks.” He tries to sit down next to her but is struggling to position his carry-on.

“Only”, she snorts. “How’d you get that money anyways?”

He finally places his short body correctly and turns to the side. There is a certain sadness in his voice when he says: “I… sold my Love Live and Ensemble Stars accounts.”

“And you got 2000 bucks for that.” She is appalled by the fact that anyone would be willing to pay that much.

“3000, actually. Of course I didn’t spend all of it right away. And well, I got that really nice idolized UR Eli and some old event c-“ He is interrupted by the pilot saying they’re departing soon, and that everyone should put on their seatbelts. A few minutes later, the plane is in the air, and their casual conversation can continue. “Where were we?”

“We were talking about how much you suck.”

“Dicks? I wish!”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more of an Archdrey fic than Baekdrey rn, but I promise it's gonna get juicy eventually.

“Ugh, one more hour left. I’m so boooorrrrreeeed…” The short guy is in a foul mood because he just endured some of the worst hours of his life thanks to a bottle of wine, a baby and an armrest, but let’s not go into detail.

“Exactly, just one more hour. Stop complaining.” Audrey continues to type on her laptop.

Her friend leans over and blocks the screen with his small hands. “Entertain me.”

“Stop being Sehun-ish, brat.” She hisses, as she tries to swat away what’s restricting her view.

“Don’t disrespect my role model like that! He is cool! And we will meet him soon!” He freezes for two seconds before continuing in a high-pitched voice. “And we will meet Junmyeon as well, oh my god, we will actually see him, his beautiful face and his gorgeous smile and holy shit he will finally be aware that I exist, I hope he remembers me in a positive way and ah, he’s not much taller than me, I wonder if it’s gonna be awkward? I could technically borrow his clothes and vice versa oh my god, what if he lets me? AUDREY, WHAT IF I GET TO WEAR JUNMYEON’S HOODIES?”

“What?” She turns back towards the younger. “Oh, you were talking to me.” She closes her laptop out of respect. “Don’t embarrass yourself, you’ll regret it.”

“Well, thanks for the prime advice, but I’m pretty sure I’ll start crying as soon as I see him.” Suddenly, his pout turns into a smirk. “I’m more worried about you and Baekhyun, though. It’d be like Baekhyun meeting another Baekhyun – a complete mess. What if you get a restraining order?”

“Listen, I wouldn’t slander him right in his face!”

“Wow, snake.” Fortunately for Audrey, her friend quickly returns to panic mode. “Seriously, though. What are we gonna say to them? We haven’t prepared shit! WE CAN’T EVEN SPEAK KOREAN FOR FUCK’S SAKE, OH MY GOD!”

“Don’t worry about it too much, everything’s going to work out. Just try to be natural.”

“Be Natural by Red Velvet feat. Taeyong, lol.” He enjoys the annoyed look Audrey gives him before continuing. “I know I’ll just piss my pants if I act natural, so I’m gonna prepare some things to say. Don’t blame me if you accidentally insult the guy you want to get dicked-down by.”

With that, the rest of the flight is spent in silence and it doesn’t feel like much time had passed when they leave the gate. “Okay, what now?” Audrey asks, still not convinced by the planning and/or organization skills of the younger.

“A guy from SM is supposed to wait for us here at the airport. And he’s gonna drive us to EXO’s dorm.” He explains bluntly.

It doesn’t take them long to find a man in an elegant suit holding up a sign saying ‘SM PRIVATE EXO TOUR’. They walk over to him and Audrey quickly regrets that her friend is doing the talking. “Annyeonghaseyo, um, hello, do you speak English?”

“Yes.” The man replies, unimpressed.

The short guy grabs the tickets from his pockets and shows them to the SM employee. “I believe you want to see these?”

“Yes.” He replies and starts walking towards the exit. “Follow me.”

They jog behind him and quickly get in the taxi. While driving, Audrey feels herself getting nervous as well, so she tries talking to her friend to relieve some stress. “I can’t believe this is actually happening. It feels surreal. Are you excited as well?”

“I don’t know, I feel fine.”

“You sound calm but your body language is telling me otherwise. A-ARE YOU PEEING YOUR PANTS, OH MY GOD!?”

The driver immediately turns around and yells: “No, not in here!”

Her friend quickly defends himself. “I’m not peeing! I’m just nervous!”

Relieved, the driver turns around again and just about manages not to cause an accident.

“Besides, I’m wearing adult diapers, just in case.” The younger confesses while whispering to Audrey.

 

It’s afternoon when they arrive at the (really fancy looking) dorm and the friends don’t know how to contain their excitement. The driver seems to pity them a bit, so he tries to loosen them up. “So, who do you most look forward to meeting?”

“Baek-“ Audrey tries to start, but she is interrupted by a high pitched and very loud “JUNMYEON!!!”

“Junmyeon? You look more like a Chanyeol fan to me.” The driver states.

Audrey instinctively grabs her friend’s arm with one hand and covers his mouth with the other to prevent him from attacking the driver, physically or verbally. “No, no… He likes Junmyeon.”

The man in his thirties shrugs. “Well then, please take your suitcases and follow me.”

Both of them freeze. “We’re not staying at a hotel?”

“It wouldn’t really be an EXO _DORM_ tour if you weren’t going to sleep there, would it?”

The younger starts hyperventilating and Audrey can feel that whatever is working in her bowel is rapidly picking up its speed. Lost for words, they grab their suitcases and enter the dorm, led by the SM employee. He stops and turns towards them. “You asked me if I can speak English, so I’m assuming you two can’t speak Korean?” Audrey’s friend seems to want to say something, but he shuts his mouth again when he hears: “ _Other than ‘annyeonghaseyo’_.”

“We can’t.” Audrey responds, embarrassed.

He sighs. “That’s fine, I’ll stay with you a little longer to get you started in here. You can solve the rest with your hands and feet. _It’s not like I deserve free time or anything_.”

Their conversation must’ve been audible in the rest of the dorm, because Jongdae, Kyungsoo and Minseok have already come to see what the unfamiliar voices are about. The older man tells them something in Korean, and the three idols nod and smile. Then, Jongdae says something, which prompts the employee to ask: “Are you two a couple?”

The short white guy lets out a shrieking laugh, which earns him an elbow in his ribs. “We aren’t.” Audrey replies and shakes her head. The driver attempts to start translating, but Jongdae interrupts him, probably saying that he understood the answer.

“Splendid. See, body language works its wonders.” The SM employee claps his hands together. “You’ll be fine, I’ll be taking my leave now.” Before the friends can beg him to stay, he’s already out the door, and they’re now cornered by 6 ridiculously pretty idol eyes.

“Um, annyeonghaseyo?” Audrey’s friend says to break the silence.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the worst chapter so far. I keep surprising myself tbh.

Minseok is the first one to respond with: “Hello, welcome!” Jongdae and Kyungsoo follow suit by saying “Welcome” themselves.

“Hello, I am Audrey and this is Archer.” The tallest person in the current constellation explains.

“Hello.” Minseok says again, and smiles.

“This is so awkward, I think I want to die.” Archer whispers to Audrey.

“Shut up, we can handle this.” She points at their suitcases. “Where do we sleep?”

The three gesture the two non-celebrities to follow them as they go downstairs to what seems to be a living room. All the other EXO members are gathered there.

“Annyeonghaseyo!” Archer yells, with his by now standard high pitched voice.

“Can you fucking stop that, you koreaboo trash?” Audrey hisses, but her expression relaxes when she hears six similar shouts from the other EXO members.

As soon as he notices them, Junmyeon slides towards the kitchen counter (he is wearing socks and the floor is smooth), grabs a notepad and then positions himself in the middle of what is now a circle.

“Welcome!” He looks at the two visitors and the younger one is trying really hard to choke back his tears. Glancing at the notepad from time to time, Junmyeon continues while smiling: “Congratulations on winning the EXO dorm tour. We will start by depositing your luggage. The current roommates are D.O & Kai, Suho & Sehun, Xiumin & Lay & Chen, and Baekhyun & Chanyeol. Please, choose one of those rooms.”

A pause. Archer’s face is stuck in some really weird expression, with a half-open mouth and puffy eyes, so Audrey accepts the role of talking. “Right now?”

“Yes.” The short leader replies.

“I choose Baekhyun’s and Chanyeol’s room.” She states, as nonchalantly as possible.

Her friend feels a part of him die when he sees her go to her new temporary room with Baekhyun and Chanyeol, leaving him alone with 7 attractive, incredibly famous guys.

Trying to regain his attention, Junmyeon places one of his hands on Archer’s shoulders. “You?” He asks.

The fan looks at the hand and stutters: “I, uh, um, I think I, uh, choose Junmyeon's- um, I mean Suho's and uh, Sehun’s room.” He can hear all the members who weren’t mentioned utter groans of compassion, which is understandable, seeing as Seho’s room is known for being the messiest.

“Okay!” Junmyeon says and blesses Archer with a smile that must’ve lengthened his lifespan by 5 years. He and Sehun start walking to their room and the embarrassing fan is relieved to see that it’s right next to the Chanbaek one. The room isn’t as dirty as he expected it to (which doesn’t say much at all due to his own standards) and he places his suitcase in front of the mattress in the middle. He can’t see any changes in Junmyeon’s smiley and Sehun’s stoic expression, so he figured he must’ve done it right. Back in the corridor, he’s surprised that there only seems to be one bathroom, but he doesn’t think much about it. They gather in the living room again, where the friends quickly reunite to stand next to each other, and Junmyeon continues to read. “We will now enjoy dinner together, cooked by D.O himself!” He starts clapping and everyone else slowly and awkwardly joins in.

 

With the help of pantomime which would cause other people to call him a ‘furry’, Archer is disappointed to find out from Sehun that, in fact, none of the member’s dogs are here and Audrey manages to hold a conversation in Chinese with Yixing.

When sitting at the dinner table, Archer simply puts a small portion of rice on his plate because he doesn’t think his stomach could handle any more than that. After all, he’s had a severe OVERDOSE of HURTful HEART ATTACKs induced by Junmyeon’s UNFAIRly BEAUTIFUL smile. Audrey however, remains unbothered. In fact, she believes that food will help calm down her bowels that have been working high-speed for the last few hours, so she picks a little bit of everything. There isn’t much talking at the dinner table anyways, but it turns silent as Audrey’s stomach lets out an extremely loud grumble. Everyone stares at her for a few seconds, but continues to eat afterwards. The young woman leans over to her friend and whispers: “Dude, I really have to shit.”

He almost chokes on his food, which causes Jongin, who is sitting next to him, hit his back a couple of times. After giving the dancer a breathless “Thank you”, he shares his charming personal thoughts with his non-girlfriend: “I’m fucking eating, warn me next time before you share tmi shit, fucking hell.”

“I’m serious, I think this is going to be my dump of the decade.”

“Well, then I suppose you’re gonna have a _blast_ , my friend.” This is the only support her friend is willing to give Audrey, and she steps on his foot so hard that he lets out a howl comparable to the chorus of Wolf.

Despite some _strange_ interruptions, the dinner does eventually come to an end and they gather in the living room once again. Chanyeol suggests they watch a movie, and much to Audrey’s disapproval, they start watching it right away, prohibiting her from using the bathroom. She is only consoled by the fact that Baekhyun is sitting next to her on the couch, which allows for some _incredibly kinky and R-18_ knee-touching.

Unfortunately, the action movie doesn’t really help her stomach calm down, and she tries to grab her friend’s attention to get help somehow, but he’s too busy with reading the English subtitles and way-too-obviously admiring Junmyeon’s profile. He only redirects his gaze when Chanyeol stretches his arms and ‘accidentally’ flexes them, resulting in a disgusted look from the younger, which the idol fortunately doesn’t notice. He then finally looks at Audrey and grins as he sees her and Baekhyun's  _kinky_ knee action. But his smile quickly turns into a squint, trying to decipher what his friend is frantically mouthing.

> Audrey: H – E – L – P
> 
> Archer: B –A – E – K ‘ S    D – I – C – K ?
> 
> Audrey: N – O ,   H – E – L – P
> 
> Archer: B – A – E – K ‘ S    W – E – E – N – E – R?
> 
> Audrey: N – O !   H – E – L – P !
> 
> [cut for length]
> 
> Archer: O – H ,   H – E – L – P .   H – O – W ?

By the time the message has arrived, the ending credits are already visible on the TV screen and the members groan collectively at the apparently shitty ending, damning Chanyeol for suggesting that crap.

Junmyeon instructs that they all put on their pajamas and go to their rooms, which finally allows Audrey to take a sprint for the shitter. The others go to their rooms in a more relaxed speed, and just as Sehun and Junmyeon close the door and lift their shirts, Archer remembers that he is really, ridiculously homosexual. The two look at him expectantly and Junmyeon encourages him with a gentle laugh: “Don’t be embarrassed. You don’t need to be as fit as we do. It's our job.” The younger won’t refuse an invitation to strip down for Junmyeon, so he quickly gets rid of his hoodie, but he stops at his belt, because he realizes he is still wearing his adult diapers. Fuck.

Sehun and Junmyeon are already in their underwear, and the boy informs them with a flushed face that he wants to use the bathroom. Finally freed from the hot-body-torture-chamber he knocks at the toilet and tells his friend to open up.

“I can’t, dumbass!” A muffled voice responds.

“If you love me, you WILL open this door.” The younger declares.

“Do you want me to shit all over the floor while getting up to open it? I don’t think so!”

“Just hold it in!”

“I’ve been doing that for the last 4 hours!”

“I’ll help you clean it up if it gets on the floor! I just need a lockable room.”

“I thought you were long out of the closet!”

“SHUT UP, THAT’S NOT WHAT I NEED IT FOR!”

“Archer, listen, I am using the same toilet as Byun Baekhyun right now. I am shitting where he has shat. And I will enjoy this moment.”

The homosexual groans, leans against the door and slides down a little, only to see that Baekhyun is walking towards him, or better, the bathroom. “Ah, Baekhyun”, he says extra loud, to make sure Audrey hears who else is waiting outside. “Unfortunately, someone is using the toilet right now.” He adds some pooping gestures to make sure the meaning comes across. You know, the usual. Nothing wrong with some pooping gestures every now and then.

Archer can hear 3 consecutive toilet flushes and after what seems to be an eternity of hand-washing, Audrey finally scurries outside, greeting her friend with a death glare. He, in return, quickly enters the toilet and gets rid of the damned diaper at the speed of light – he doesn’t want to lose any more precious quality time with Junmyeon – and replaces it with regular underwear. After he’s done, he lets Baekhyun know that the smell is his fault, as that’s what a good friend-wingman would do. Finally back in his room, he puts on the rest of his pajamas lets himself fall on his designated mattress.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just kill me just do it

In the Chanbaek™ room, Audrey is alone with Chanyeol, since Baekhyun is still using the toilet. She asks the ridiculously tall man if he could leave the room, but the idol feels too comfortable lying in bed. It takes Audrey a couple attempts to explain that she wants to get changed, and that she doesn’t want him to see. The idol blushes involuntarily once he finally understands, and he swiftly jogs out the room, almost hitting his head on the door frame while escaping. Audrey examines the room and grins when she sees a small pile of red hair on Chanyeol's pillow. She grabs her phone to send a picture of it to Archer, then puts the device down and starts changing.

 

Sehun, Junmyeon and Archer are playing a card game when they are interrupted by the fan’s phone vibrating. Much to his embarrassment, this leads to the two idols seeing his lock screen – a picture of shirtless Junmyeon. He hastily picks the phone up, holds it at such an angle that the others can’t see the even more explicit home screen and as he’s opening LINE, he really hopes that whatever his friend sent him is worth the awkwardness it’s caused. He looks at the image for a few seconds and after having fully processed what his eyes just saw, he leans forward to ask the two idols what’s been bugging him for at least a month: “Is Chanyeol balding?”

Junmyeon turns away, embarrassed, and begins to say “Ah, we shouldn’t-“ when he’s interrupted by Sehun’s simple “Yes.”

Junmyeon yells at the snake, reminding him that fans aren’t supposed to know about it. The younger just shrugs and says: “I don’t think he will tell anyone.” Little does he know that Archer is a messy bitch that lives for drama, and that he would give anything to post this information on the internet.

Both idols look at him, expectantly, and the fan realizes that it’s probably his turn to swear on his life or something, but it took him so long that Sehun tries to bribe him. “You can have my phone number.”

The leader yells even louder this time, reminding him that fans shouldn’t, under any circumstances, get his contact information.

“It’s to make sure he doesn’t tell everyone that Chanyeol is bald.” The maknae explains as he writes down his number on a tissue and hands it to the fan.

“No, now he can tell everyone that Chanyeol will have to wear a wig soon AND he can share your number.” The brown haired singer cups his face desperation, not wanting to imagine what the netizens will be saying tomorrow.

“Will you tell people?” Sehun asks Archer, who’s been muted by this positive series of events. The fan quickly shakes his head and tries to look as sincere and non-shady as possible. SM Entertainment might assassinate him otherwise, for all he knows.

The lanky man, not entirely convinced yet, scribbles on a second tissue and gives it to the younger. “That’s Suho’s number. This should seal the deal.” Both Junmyeon and Archer try not to scream, but for entirely different reasons.

 

Back to Audrey, who is now in her underwear. Just as she puts her foot in one pant leg of her pajamas, Baekhyun enters the room. They both squeak simultaneously, the idol closing his eyes and Audrey covering her lace bra with one hand and struggling to put on the rest of her pants with the other. “S-Sorry” Baekhyun finally breaks the silence after seeing that she’s fully clothed (yes, he checked a couple of times) and he takes a few disoriented steps before sitting on his bed. Out of habit he puts a finger in his mouth and gently bites it, but he quickly pulls it out again once he forms eye contact with Audrey.

‘Dick me down, dick me down, dick me down.’ Audrey prays, and has to control herself not to actually say it out loud.

“Do you know that you’re really cute?” Baekhyun says while standing up and sitting down next to Audrey on her mattress. “I’m glad it was you who won the ticket.”

“I’m glad as well.” The girl responds and hopes that the idol understands that’s Audreyan for “dick me down”.

Baekhyun is in the middle of scooting closer to the fan when the door is slammed open and an excited tall man in a tank top runs in. He lets out screams of joy while he presents his bicep with a bunny sticker tattoo on it.

“What is this?” The shorter idol asks, trying not to sound annoyed because he totally just wasn’t in the middle of something.

“Remember 4 years ago? I put on the same tattoo and it covered my whole arm!”

Audrey squints and looks at the arm in more detail. The tattoo now only covers half, if not a third of his bicep. Impressive.

“We know you’re ripped now, you can stop reminding us.” Baekhyun says. He leans over to Audrey and says: “He pulls something like this at least once a day.”

“I made it!” Chanyeol exclaims and the other two aren’t sure if they’re supposed to respond anything to that.

Suddenly, it hits Audrey that one of her friends is a huge fan of the buff twink. “Could you maybe do a cool pose so I can send a picture to my friend?” She asks.

“Doesn’t he hate me? He looked at me really weird during the movie…” Chanyeol asks, sad, and Audrey can actually watch one of his hairs fall out and slowly float towards the ground. She resists the urge to stand up and glue it back on.

“No, not for Archer. My friend Kasi, she isn’t here.”

“Oh, sure!” He grins and starts flexing immediately.

Audrey takes several photos and decides to send the ones that look the least forced, pretentious or uncomfortable to Kasi. “Thank you.” She says.

The tall guy nods and walks to the light switch, turning it off without asking the other two for consent. He knows the room well enough to navigate in the dark, so seconds later he can be heard jumping onto his bed. “Good night.”

Baekhyun is still sitting on Audrey’s mattress and after an accidental ass-grab (or at least that’s what Audrey think it was) and a few yelps, he’s on his feet and on his way to bed. A sigh and the sound of idol-against-fabric tell her that he’s reached his destination. Audrey closes her eyes and tries to sleep despite her disappointment of not having gotten dicked down.

 

The Sehun-and-Junmyeon-ft.-Archer room is surprisingly similarly calm even though they spent the last 10 minutes negotiating about phone numbers and what tweets are allowed to be shared. Junmyeon finally gave in after Archer had received 3 other phone numbers from Sehun, since he figured it would only get worse thanks to the maknae’s flawed logic. After everyone said goodnight, Archer contemplates standing up and getting into Junmyeon’s bed but then he remembers that this would be creepy, probably illegal, and not very rewarding, so he lets it be. He still feels kind of weird, having 5 idol phone numbers saved in his phone, so he pulls the blanket over his head to be able to look at the screen without bothering the other two. He checks his contacts again, and he can't believe he actually has “Sehun”, “Junmyeon”, “Baekhyun”, “Minseok”, and “Jongin” in there. ‘The numbers gotta be fake…’ He whispers to himself. That thought is quickly destroyed by an incoming message.

[1:17 AM] Junmyeon: Go to sleep :)

He immediately rips down the fabric from his head and looks to where Junmyeon is lying, and he can see some light shimmer through his blanket. ‘Holy fucking shit.’ Archer thinks. ‘Okay, stay cool. Reply something casual.’

[1:18 AM] Archer: haha thank you yes i will!!!!

He didn’t give himself much time to regret the word choice and pulled up his conversation with Audrey instead.

[1:18 AM] dumb #2: ADUREY  
[1:18 AM] dumb #2: WIFEY  
[1:18 AM] dumb #2: AREY OU STILL AWAKE  
[1:18 AM] dumb #2: HEY  
[1:18 AM] dumb #2: YO  
[1:18 AM] dumb #2: AYAYA YA Y A Y  
[1:19 AM] dumb #2: COME HERE  
[1:19 AM] Audrey: thanks for making chanyeol and barkhyun think im using a vibrator  
[1:19 AM] dumb #2: barkhyun  
[1:19 AM] Audrey: yes I’m awake  
[1:19 AM] Audrey: shut up  
[1:20 AM] dumb #2: u better be nice to me  
[1:20 AM] Audrey: why  
[1:20 AM] dumb #2: i have bark’s number  
[1:20 AM] Audrey: WHAT==?! ‘  
[1:20 AM] Audrey: HOW  
[1:20 AM] dumb #2: sehuns powers  
[1:20 AM] Audrey: wow stop giving yourself credit for everything  
[1:21 AM] dumb #2: no i literally mean sehun  
[1:21 AM] Audrey: oh  
[1:21 AM] Audrey: well anyways give me the number  
[1:21 AM] dumb #2: wow impatient are we  
[1:21 AM] dumb #2: what prize do i get in return  
[1:21 AM] Audrey: my presence  
[1:21 AM] dumb #2: thats a punishment :///  
[1:21 AM] Audrey: shut up  
[1:22 AM] dumb #2: wow i cant read suddenly  
[1:22 AM] dumb #2: i dont think I have a number after all  
[1:22 AM] Audrey: listen brat what do you want  
[1:22 AM] dumb #2: to marry junmyeon  
[1:22 AM] Audrey: … something i can give you  
[1:22 AM] dumb #2: ugh  
[1:22 AM] dumb #2: fine here

[Archer shared Baekhyun’s contact information with Audrey]

[1:22 AM] Audrey: thanks a lot baby  
[1:22 AM] dumb #2: np  
[1:22 AM] dumb #2: goodnight  
[1:22 AM] Audrey: goodnight ilu so so much  
[1:23 AM] dumb #2: :/  
[1:22 AM] dumb #2: wow nvm


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i honestly dont know how i did it, but i think this is truly the worst chapter yet. at least its also the shortest, so weve minimized the damage here  
> this was finished at 3.50 am so take it with a grain (or better a whole fucking jar) of salt

Archer wakes up in a cold sweat, remembering that he literally just broke the promise he made to the man he loves most.

[4:01] dumb #2: DARUYE  
[4:01] dumb #2: AUDDUEYR  
[4:01] dumb #2: DELETE IT  
[4:02] dumb #2: IM GONNA CRY DELETE BAEKHYUNS NUMBER  
[4:19] Audrey: what the fuck  
[4:20] Audrey: NO I WONT WHY WOULD I  
[4:20] dumb #2: 420 ayy  
[4:20] dumb #2: BECAUSE I PROMISED JUNMYEON I WOULDNT GIVE IT TO ANYONE  
[4:20] Audrey: HOW WOULD HE FIND OUT I HAVE IT  
[4:21] dumb #2: AS SOON AS YOU SEND BAEKHYUN YOUR NUDES  
[4:21] Audrey: I WOULDN’T  
[4:21] Audrey: well ok nvm  
[4:21] Audrey: STILL YOU CAN’T EXPECT ME TO DELETE IT I LOVE HIM  
[4:22] dumb #2: PLLLLLEEEEEAAAAASSSEEEE IM GONNA CRY  
[4:22] dumb #2: I DONT WANT JUNMYEON TO HATE ME :’(((((((  
[4:25] dumb #2: I CAN SEE YOU READ THIS DONT IGNORE ME  
[4:25] dumb #2: DID U REALLY FALL ASLEEP AGAIN  
[4:27] dumb #2: alright the game is on

The boy is unsure whether it’s his undying love for Junmyeon, or the fact that it’s 4 am that compels him to do this, but he decides that it would be a good idea to break into Audrey’s room, take her phone, and delete Baekhyun’s number himself. He stands up, fixes his pajama shorts and rolls up the sleeves of his oversized sweater. Hopefully Audrey is ready for an ass-kicking.

Unfortunately, he didn’t know that Sehun kicked down his blanket while sleeping, so his feet get tangled in the fabric and he falls on the floor with a definitely not silent thump.

Sehun wakes up and immediately grabs his phone to use it as a flashlight to check his environment and he’s startled when he discerns a butt about one meter in front of him. After hearing a soft groan, he remembers that butts are usually connected to a body, so he sits up to see a crumpled Archer on the floor. “You okay?” He asks, too tired and confused to laugh at this just yet.

Archer’s weak ass blue eyes squint because of the bright light and he slowly brings his head to a level higher than his bum. “Yeah.” The boy answers, fixing his shorts yet again.

“Have fun peeing.” Sehun says, and the fan is glad that he doesn’t have to come up with an excuse himself. The idol makes sure the younger safely arrives at the door before putting away his phone and going back to sleep.

In the hallway, Archer can feel himself looking like the Caveman Spongebob meme, but he really doesn’t have a choice seeing as it’s dark and he’s on a mission. He gropes the wall and moves steadily until he arrives at Audrey’s room and quietly opens it. The sweet scent of sweat and horniness catches him off-guard and he wonders what his own room is going to smell like when he comes back. Probably a mix of old socks and desperation.

By now, his eyes have gotten used to the darkness, but he still can’t see shit so it doesn’t really help him much. He figures Audrey’s bed must be at the same place as his own, so he walks a straight line from the door, taking careful steps and stretching out his arms in front of him. Only when he can touch cold glass he realizes he’s walked through the entire room without encountering any obstacles. ‘What the fuck.’ He mutters to himself. To play it safe, he gets on all fours and decides to explore the room like this, since he really can’t afford to fall into Chanyeol’s or Baekhyun’s bed (nor does he really want to). By now he definitely regrets not having taken his phone with him, but he figures that anyone half as sensitive to light as he is would probably wake up, so he doesn’t delve in self-hatred for too long.

After what seems to be an eternity, he finally bumps against a mattress with his hand. When he can hear Baekhyun’s whiny snoring (leave it to Baekhyun to know how to whine while snoring) it hits him that Audrey must’ve moved her bed so she could sleep right next to the idol. He doesn’t give himself too much time for judging the hell out of his friend and focuses on finding her phone instead, seeing as the others could wake up any second and ruin everything. Luckily enough, he finds the device very quickly and unlocks it with help of sleeping Audrey’s right thumb. Too focused on making sure Junmyeon won’t hate him, he doesn’t realize how creepy what he’s doing actually is. After Baekhyun’s (let’s not go into detail about what name he was actually saved as) number has been deleted, he posts some embarrassing tweets on her account before putting the phone back and starting to crawl out of the room. Unfortunately, before he arrives at the exit, the door opens right in front of him, and a sleepy, empty-bladdered Chanyeol walks in, freezing once he spots the four-legged creature on the floor. “This is a dream.” Archer says, making weird hand motions, before standing up and running out the door. He assumes the idol silently accepted it, since he doesn’t hear or see anything else of him that night.

When he finally comes back to his own room he is surprised to smell that his suspicions were right. Old socks and desperation it is. Just as he is laying down on his bed, he is greeted by Junmyeon letting out a moan in his sleep and Archer has to control himself really hard so he doesn’t bust 40 nuts at the same time. Still, his brain and groin are able to calm down after a while and he manages to fall asleep, comforted by the fact that his mission was successful.


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning, Audrey regrets having pushed her mattress next to Baekhyun’s, seeing as she is woken up by a foot literally stepping on her stomach. She can’t even make a sound because of the pain, so her only option is to roll to her side and curl into a ball of agony. The idol hastily apologizes once he realizes what just happened, and he bends down to make sure she’s alright. “I’m sorry! I didn’t know you were there! How… How did you even get here?” Audrey just lies there, motionless. She is still in too much pain.

Chanyeol at the other end of the room lets out a demonstrative loud yawn, before standing up, stretching, and rubbing his belly. He figures that Baekhyun is in control of the situation, so he exits the room without looking back.

Once Audrey catches her breath, she looks Baekhyun in the eyes and gives him a strained: “I’m fine.”

“Good. I wouldn’t have wanted to hurt such a beautiful girl like you.”

Suddenly, the fan’s eyes are wide open. “You’re just saying that.”

“Not at all. You are pretty much my ideal type.” He laughs, almost a bit shyly.

“But I thought your ideal type was-“

“Pff, those are bullshit. Scripted. You wouldn’t want to know what some of us really looked for in a girl… _or guy_.”

Audrey contemplates asking for more details but figures that this would probably ruin the moment they’re having right now. Instead, she just looks him in the eyes and admires his face, the face she’s wanted to see up close for so long. She always thought it had to be Photoshop that made him look so amazing, but turns out that wasn’t true at all: He was much more beautiful in person. Unable to grasp the fact that the man of her dreams is right in front of her, she doesn’t even dare to blink. They stay like this for a couple of seconds before Baekhyun grabs her arm and pulls her closer, quickly pressing his lips on hers.

Too quickly, in fact, as a loud crack can be heard and the idol pulls away immediately. “FUCK!” He screeches and covers his nose with his hands. “Fuck, it hurts so bad!”

Audrey is too confused at first to really do anything, but when she sees blood slowly creep forward between his fingers, she knows something isn’t good. She runs to the hallways and yells “HELP!” hoping that at least someone will wake up. In a matter of seconds, Junmyeon is already standing in front of her, panting. “I’m here! What’s wrong?”

“Baekhyun hit his nose on something.”

“Oh no! On what?”

“I… don’t know. Anyways, please help him. He’s bleeding!”

 

It didn’t take long before the rest of the members woke up as well, and someone had the brilliant idea of calling an ambulance.

“Well, it’s clearly nothing life-threatening, but it might be broken. We’ll take him with us.” The doctor explains and motions Baekhyun to stand up.

“I’m injured!” The idol whines.

“It’s just your nose. You can still walk. Stand up.”

The singer reluctantly complies and stands up, walks a few steps but then freezes.

“Wait.” He says and fumbles around in his pockets, smearing crusty blood on his pajamas in the process, but he doesn’t care. What he pulls out is a small piece of paper, and he hands it to Audrey and winks, before catching up with the doctor.

Baekhyun is already out the door when Audrey unfolds the paper and the other idols ask her what it is.

“It’s his phone number.” She declares as calmly as possible.

Jongdae and Chanyeol almost lose their shit in excitement and give Audrey a high-five, while Junmyeon tries really hard not to cry, seeing as two people now have Baekhyun’s number.

“I could give her someone else’s number to make sure she doesn’t tell anyone.” Sehun whispers to the leader in an attempt to comfort him.

“No!” The shorter man screams, but he quickly composes himself. “Erm, anyways… Sorry about this unpleasant situation. How about we eat breakfast?”

No complaints can be heard, so everyone happily gathers in the living room to eat together. Archer sits next to Audrey and whispers to suggest: “Don’t you wanna save his number?”

“I already got it, remember? Thanks to you.” She replies, confused by how forgetful her friend is.

“About that… You really should save that number before you lose it or anything.”

“Listen, I told you I already have it.” Audrey insists, while grabbing her phone and checking her contacts. When she sees nobody is saved under the name “ChokeMeDaddy”, she realizes what’s up. “Did you… Did you fucking take my phone while I was sleeping?!”

“So it wasn’t a dream!” Chanyeol yells and looks at Archer, who is suddenly VERY concentrated on putting the right amount of Nutella on his toast and Sehun chuckles, as the events from last night now make a lot more sense to him.

 

After everyone’s finished eating, the SM employee from yesterday enters the room. “Ah, good timing! Your flight is in a few hours, so it’s about time you get going. Wait… Where’s Baekhyun?”

“He broke his nose or something.” Minseok replies.

“Wow, I can’t believe he’s pulling a Jonghyun.” The man says, a painful lack of pity in his voice. “Anyways, please pack your stuff now.”

Audrey and Archer return to their rooms, get changed and start packing. Sehun and Junmyeon help Archer, while Chanyeol sits on the floor next to Audrey and rambles on about how he thought he had the weirdest nightmare, but turns out it really did happen.

Archer stands up once his suitcase is ready, and he looks at the two idols who’ve helped him and somewhat befriended him over the last 24 hours. When he realizes that he will probably never meet them again, a wave of melancholy hits him and his eyes start tearing up.

“Ah, now, don’t cry..!” Junmyeon says, giving Sehun a look that says _‘do something’_.

The taller just pulls the two shorter guys into a hug and promises: “You have our numbers now. Just text us whenever.”

 

Meanwhile, Audrey has finished packing her suitcase as well.

“…Oh, and tell Kasi I said hi.” Chanyeol adds and finally ends his monologue.

“I will.” Audrey says, disregarding literally everything else the idol has said so far.

In the hallway, she reunites with Archer and tells everyone goodbye, before getting into the SM employee’s car.

“Did you two have fun?” The driver asks.

Archer promptly starts crying, and Audrey responds with a simple “Yes”, clutching the slightly bloodstained piece of paper Baekhyun gave her.

At the airport, the driver wishes them a good flight and the two friends thank him, then walk towards their gate.

“The employee is kinda hot. Do you think he’d let me call him daddy?” Audrey asks.

“Oh my god, you have Baekhyun’s number now, shut up.”

The girl grins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's finally over i think im gonna cry


End file.
